He's Done it!

Yes, I have done it. This is the day this blog and I will go down in history. This is the day I solve the mystery of predicting who will win sporting events. This is the day I become a legend. Ok, enough with the Scoop Jackson repetitive mumbo jumbo.Miss Cleo, Hammerin' Hank Goldstein, anyone who has ever played fact or fiction, David Blaine (wait, nevermind, he's just a psychotic piece of whack), and any old dipshit who ever owned a magic eight ball...I'm commin' for you. I have come up with a surefire way to predict the outcome of every team sporting event...ever. Get ready to phone your bookie Vincenzo and place a large sum of money down...I am here to make you a millionaire. Here it is...are you ready...wait for it...wait for it...ok: Go down the teams rosters, position by position, and match up each individual competitor in an imaginary street fight. The team with less head goo spilled out on the back allies of your mind wins. It's that simple...yes, I know I'm a genius. To prove my method, we will predict who will win tomorrow's Chelsea vs Man Utd fixture (like we even need this crap to know who is gonna win).

(all rosters are speculative...and some players may not matchup exactley...but just go with it...cus the system will always be right)



Edwin Van der Sar vs. Carlo Cudicini- This is a tough one simply because neither of these guys seem like they could even beat up the ginger bread man. In fact, Van der Sar looks like a cross between a giraffe and Barry Manilow on the Nicole Richie diet. For that reason, and the fact that Cudicini actually looks like a human being, I have to give the nod to Chelsea on this one. Chelsea:1 Man Utd:0



Gary Neville vs. John Terry- Both captains, both man the backline, but there is only one John Terry. Terry is just a beast, he would not put up with any Neville crap in a street fight. One sharp elbow to the grill and it's done. And remember kiddies, just because Neville looks like he lives in a cabin in the deep woods with dogs named "Mortenson" and "Bosco" doesn't mean he's as tough as John Terry. Chelsea:2 Man Utd :0



Patrice Evra vs Ashley Cole- A picture says a thousand words. Although, I'm thinking of just one three letter word (well, two -- one for Cole and one for the lady they paid to stand next to him). Bonus trivia question: how many beards are in this picture? Chelsea:2 Man Utd:1



Rio Ferdinand vs Ricardo Carvalho- Judging by this picture, Rio appears to be some kind of mutant vampire that can go outside in the daylight to feed on metrosexuals. Carvalho, on the other hand, seems a bit more genial. If, however, Rio bites Carvalho, thus turning him into a mutant vampire, then there really is no way of knowing how this fight would go. Even still, I don't like Carvalho's chances. Sorry, Ricardo. Chelsea:2 Man Utd:2



Gabriel Heinze vs. Khalid Boulahruz- Yeah, you don't pick up the nickname "The Cannibal" helping old ladies to their car. You pick it up by obliterating the poor souls of small village. Look at the guy, Heinze's family would be devistated, because not only did Boulahruz kill their son, he also ate him (insert own ketchup joke here). Chelsea:3 Man Utd:2



Ryan Giggs vs. Arjen Robben- Although Robben looks old, Giggs actually is old. Seriously, why is Robben balding? The dude is 22 years old. Maybe it's a result of the radiation from that shirt he's wearing. Anyway, I'll give the nod to Giggs here since he has the better head of hair and the eyes of a madman. You just know he has a beat up van filled with candy and puppies. Chelsea:3 Man U:3



Michael Carrick vs Michael Essien- Essien's nickname is "The Bison". And if a Bison can't take a 25-year-old still waiting to hit puberty, then I just don't know . Plus, now that I'm scouring google images...everyone loves a Ghanaian Porno...lower baby...lower... Wait, what?!? Who said that? Chelsea:4 Man U:3



Paul Scholes vs Frank Lampard- Unless Scholes has rocket launchers tucked in the rims of his wheelchair, Frankie would kill him... boom. Lamps would kiss his fist, and the proceed to swiftly knock out all of Scholes teeth. Usually when that happens...you lose. Chelsea:5 Man U:3

Cristiano Ronaldo vs Michael Ballack (or any warm body) - Talk about a waste of space. To make this obvious one a little more entertaining, here are some visuals to illustrate the answer here:



no, feeling naked men isn't strange at all.


Chelsea:6 Man U:3

Louis Saha vs Didier Drogba- Louis Saha is a wannabe Drogba. But Saha will never be able to generate the wind of the Ivory Coast with a goal celebration consisting of simply intense gyrations of his arms while blowing air out of his mouth. It's just not gonna happen. Nor will Saha be able to even touch Drogba. I have a feeling in the fight...Drogba would just sort of look at Saha, and then Saha would slowly walk away...trembling. Chelsea:7 Man U:3

Wayne Rooney vs Andriy Shevchenko- Sheva is a nice guy, but let's be real. Rooney has the edge in every category. Rooney's immeasurable experience in these type of scrums would inevitably present him with the opportunity to take Shevchenko's life away. You need visuals...


Chelsea:7 Man U:4

Obviously, Chelsea already has the edge, but just for the hell of it, what would happen if the manager went at it? The Special One vs Sir Fergalicious would be a great match. You'd have some boot throwing against some of this.

Either way, the world will come to see that I am a genius...and that Chelsea will show that they are the best club in the Prem. You're welcome if you win a large sum of money because of me. I expect a check in the mail.