Thank you, Laguna Beach



Ok, after watching the Laguna Beach season finale last night, it dawned on me how I can serve my (imaginary) readers. A dude's voice said to me, "show them the way", and so I must. Here is the unofficial guide to what you should do if you want to be cool like the guys on Laguna beach (which, I'm just warning you now, you probably don't want). Ok it is a short guide, and simply consists of a few phrases you must incorporate into your every day life.

"Yo, we need to ditch these stage-five Klingons, bro." I'm gonna put this all in lamen's terms. This refers to whores who will follow you and your friends around, thus the "Kling-On" part...clever...

Ok, next is what you must say when you see your "broski" (friend) breaking up with his girl: "Yo, dude, I think he's tellin' her to kick rocks over there. I hope not, but I think he's just tellin' her to kick rocks". That is a personal favorite of mine for reasons I shouldn't have to explain.

Another key objective in becoming "cool" is too make sure you say the word "dude" twice in between every other word... I mean, ever wonder why Cameron is soo big with the ladies...there ya go...you're welcome.

These last two parts of the guide are more of overall things you should try to incorporate into how you present yourself. First off, it is key that you work up some major "Dude Sweat"...aka lifting weights...getting a work out. "Dude Sweat" is best achieved by the guys in Laguna Beach, when they decide to go to random public places to partake in sports that they absolutley suck at, such as golf, basketball, or tennis. Honestly, these kids make Charles Barkley look like Ben Hogan at the driving range. Prime "Dude Sweat" is achieved when practicing these sports in abnormally tight jeans and old-school Chuck Taylors...that is like the top of the "Dude Sweat" Pyramid.

If you're still reading, I would say there is no turning back, so be sure to listen closely to the last, and most important, part of the guide. Are you ready?...ok, number 1 rule of being a dude is...act like a complete and utter dipshit. Honestly, I cannot stress enough how important that is in your quest to become a Laguna Beach dude. No time is the wrong time for showin' off your 1.3 GPA. Even in the most serious times, a Laguna Beach dude knows how to break the ice with a mind bogglingly moronic statement. I leave you with the simple quote that will allow you to fulfill your dude potential...

Lady at the front desk of the flower shop: "Hey, do you guys know what type of corsages you want?"

Dude replies: "The flower kind."